Emotion Coaching

 

Emotion coaching is an idea from Dr. John Gottman that encourages parents to empathize and validate children’s emotions. He and his wife explain it here (Kimochis Kate, 2012). As parents, we need to teach our children how to handle their emotions by recognizing them, putting their emotions into words, and teaching them proper reactions.

 

One example is when my 10-year-old was overwhelmed with the first day of virtual learning. He had to write a passage about what he did over the summer. Then read the paragraph to his classmates. He knew his few sentences were non-descriptive and weak. Mixed with first-day jitters and trying to use a laptop for virtual learning, it was all too much for him! Time was running out and the tears were coming. He cried, complained because he didn't write very much and he'd soon have to face his peers. 

 

I kept calm and repeated back to him what I saw him feeling, "You are upset because you didn't write very much and you have to share it with your class soon." Gradually he gained enough composure to read his small passage. He was further validated when he noticed that his classmates also had a hard time with the assignment. One girl ran off the screen crying while another boy had his mom read it for him. He then tried to help them by saying, "It's okay! We won't judge! It was hard for me too."

 

I simply restated what he was feeling and that was enough to help him face his own emotions. This technique is so simple and yet so effective. When children come to us upset or angry, what they really need is for someone to understand them, not fix the problem for them.

Here's a picture of the calm before the storm. I love the antique desks. It is such a contrast to kids today who learn with teachers virtually through video calls. Something the original occupants of these desks would not even comprehend. 

Reference:

Kimochis Kate (2012, April 18). Dr. John Gottman & Julie Gottman discuss tools for parenting with emotion coaching. [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3uPPEtyX_I&feature=emb_logo